True Confessions of a Really, Really Messed up Missionary

We are set to return to Rwanda on Tuesday, January 20.   

One week from TODAY.   

As I reflect on our fundraising/furlough time in the USA, I am both amazed at all that's been crammed into 5 ½ months [e.g., we spoke 24 times], but also sadly surprised at my myriad weaknesses and the sinful ways I've attempted to cope with stresses.  (The fact that I’m surprised by my sinfulness and brokenness shows I still don’t really “get” the gospel message – that Christ Jesus came into the world to save SINNERS – and that I still, after all these years and reasons to know otherwise, think of myself more highly than I ought.)

After struggling and hurting and crying and yelling and eating bad, processed, white-sugar laden food, and yay, even after reverting back to my Classic Coca-Cola habit (dang it – I made it 8 weeks this time!), I finally opened my Bible and drank from the life-giving, clear, cool water that is God’s Word. 

God’s HOLY Word: 

The ONLY thing that satisfies.

The ONLY thing that breathes life into my soul.

The ONLY thing that can truly help.

Why did I wander and try to fix my emotional hurts with my own band-aids, AGAIN?  

Will I ever learn?  (Don’t answer that.) 

O to grace how great a debtor

Daily I’m constrained to be.

Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,

Bind my wandering heart to Thee.

God, in his tender mercy and amazing, awe-inspiring patience with me, led me to Matthew 3, which was the Scripture reading for our sermon in church last Sunday.

"…..But after me" (says John the Baptist) "comes one who is more powerful than I, whose sandals I am not worthy to carry." 

I was immediately struck by the reminder that my Jesus is so, so powerful.  He is stronger than I am, like, by a mile.  By many miles.  To the moon and back powerful.  Ah, what a scary yet totally life giving and reassuring comfort to remember.

Later in the chapter, I read what God the Father said about Jesus when he came up out of the water, after being baptized by John. 

“This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.”  

 

At first, this made me feel sad (I know, I'm sick), because I was thinking of how I was God’s daughter, and yet, God couldn’t be pleased with me, the way I’ve been sulking and crying and running. 

You know how, when you're down, EVERYTHING starts to feel like it's about you, and another excuse for a pity party?  If not, then I guess you have other issues.....but this is one of mine.  

Thankfully, I quickly remembered the TRUTH, that God IS pleased with me, and realized that my sadness was a symptom of believing lies again (the lie that I have to earn God's pleasure with me).

 Oh Yeah!  Duh!!  What is the most wonderful thing about Jesus? 

 Jesus took my place – Jesus gave me His perfect obedience and behavior…… so.... God IS pleased with me, even though I’ve been just awful lately.  Ah, what a relief.  What comfort.  Thank you, Jesus.

SO, Why have I been acting so awful?  

I don’t know, but I'm reminded that I was this way just before we left for Rwanda the other two times.  Ouch.  Reflecting on it, I realized it is never pretty before we leave. 

I am a wreck:  a crying, stressed-out, mess. Saying good-bye to my parents and all my kids, preparing for the transition and move.....I just don't handle it well at all. 

I want to run from the airport and hide in the closet of my house on Lakewood Drive with all my family.  (It'd be kinda crowded, but....)

And, what’s funny is, I ABSOLUTELY LOVE RWANDA AND CONGO, AND KENYA (where the kids go to school).  I LOVE IT!  I’ve been blessed with so many friends there.  I LOVE THE PEOPLE, I love the culture, I love the food, I love the market, I love the walking-paths, I love the clothes,  I love the lake, I love the mountains, I love the rain, I love the beautiful GREEN grass and trees everywhere, I love pretty much everything about Rwanda.  It is a beautiful, blessed place.

But I also love my home in Texas, and my family, and I do not like leaving them.  It is so hard for me to leave them. 

However, I think there is a spiritual component that is strongest of all.  As I continued reading in Matthew this morning, this is what jumped out at me.

As soon as God said those words about being “well pleased” with Jesus, his son, then God the Spirit capped off that “Attaboy” announcement by having a pizza party for him.

Um, no.  That's not how the story goes.  Actually, the Holy Spirit capped off that "Attaboy" announcement by leading Jesus into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. (chapter 4, verse 1).  

Excuse me. 

WHAT????

Right after announcing He is WELL PLEASED with Jesus, Jesus gets taken into the wilderness and temptation??  Huh? What am I missing here?  Have we read this story so many times that we have quit noticing how weird that sounds?  Furthermore......

And..... after being tempted and going through hell for 40 days, HE STARTED HIS EARTHLY MINISTRY.

So, before his ministry started, Jesus went through an intense period of suffering and temptation, that he was led to go into by the Holy Spirit.  Hmmmm. 

Not that I’m saying I am like Jesus, because clearly, I am not – except for the part where Jesus has imputed his righteousness to me, so he has made me officially like him. 

But what I am saying is, I remembered.  This is just what to expect before we start a new season of ministry.  Happens every time.  It used to happen before camp and club meetings in youth ministry with Young Life, and it happens now before we return to Rwanda.  Perhaps (!) the temptations and trials are just precursors to ministry, just like they were for Jesus.

Perhaps the devil really, really doesn’t want us to live sacrificially,

Perhaps he really doesn't want us to give up living in Texas so that Tim can do surgery for God’s people who need it in a place with way too few surgeons to go around.   

Perhaps the devil wants God's people to keep dying of things than can be cured with simple surgery,

and Perhaps the devil knows the way to do that is to discourage surgeons from going back to Rwanda.  Or surgeons’ wives. 

Perhaps the devil hates God’s people and wants to keep them from getting the help that God wants them to have. 

Perhaps he wants to take me out of the game so he can get to Tim, and take him out of the game, too.

I wonder what the devil is trying to get some of you reading this blog to NOT do for Jesus?  I wonder how some of you get discouraged or tempted to retreat?  Please tell me I’m not the only one.  Will you pray for me to keep following Jesus, to resist the devil, to be strong in the LORD?  If you write me, or comment below with your struggles, I will pray for you, too. 

“Finally, be strong in the LORD and in His mighty power.

Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand

Against the devil’s schemes.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood,

But against the rulers, against the authorities,

Against the powers of this dark world

And against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 

Therefore, put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes,

You may be able to stand your ground,

And after you have done everything, to stand. 

Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist,

With the breastplate of righteousness in place,

And with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.

 In addition to all this, take up your shield of faith,

With which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.

Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit,

Which is the word of God.  And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests."

Ephesians 6:10-18

I only feel slightly awkward posting about my spiritual and emotional struggle.  The reason?  I know there are many others in the same boat with me.  And also, I know my struggles actually qualify me to continue to serve as a missionary, rather than disqualify.  

I sometimes believe the lie that I must be all together to serve Jesus, to share His awesomeness with others.  That's so wrong.  

I am sharing HIS awesomeness, not mine.  I don't have to be awesome to tell others that someone ELSE is awesome.  I don't have to be good at basketball to declare the truth that Manu Ginobli is a great basketball player for the Spurs.  

My weaknesses remind me:  "But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that this all surpassing power is from God, and not from us."  2 Corinthians 4:7

What weakness can you give to God, so He can show His power through YOU?